Made in India...

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Made In India:








































--

" I " Merchandise........

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It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.


It was around then that the fight started...

I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. (This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.)

I should be out of the hospital next week!!


PS: iHurt!!!


---

A to K... Have a Good Laugh

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A to K

After being married for thirty years... a wife asked her husband to
describe her.

He looked at her slowly... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H......ummmm ........I, J, K."

She asks..."What does that mean darling?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


His eye is still swollen.


--

The Best Insurances for your child and grandchild

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Humour

The husband of a pregnant wife was thinking of buying insurance for his unborn baby.

So he asked PRUDENTIAL and the agent said, "don't worry man, we'll provide insurance right FROM THE BASKET TO THE CASKET".
The man was impressed but thought that he should probably seek another opinion.

He then approached AIA and the agent replied, "Oh, we have a new insurance policy which can protect your unborn child FROM THE WOMB RIGHT UP TO THE TOMB".
The man was stunned but thought that maybe all salesmen like to bullshit and decided to see the agent from GREAT EASTERN.

He told the GREAT EASTERN agent what PRUDENTIAL and AIA had to offer.
The GREAT EASTERN agent thought for a while and then said, "Tell you something, we have one that is even better than PRUDENTIAL and AIA. We'll insure your child FROM ERECTION TO RESURRECTION.

LONG LIVE GREAT EASTERN.

--

Wise Cracks 21

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Wealth

Money can't buy you happiness ... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor





Marriage

By all means, marry.

If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt





Children

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.

- Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy Carter

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath





Aging

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

<><>






Health

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar & fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain -

<><>

And the cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

Author Unkown

<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Good Laugh

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Hell is
a Chinese salary,
a British Cook,
a Japanese House,
and an American Wife.

Heaven is
an American salary,
a Chinese Cook,
a British Home,
and a Japanese Wife.

---

Why America’s economy fell off the cliff...

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Why America’s economy fell off the cliff...

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6 am.

While his coffee-pot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).

He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore) and tennis shoes (made in Korea).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in India) he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (made in Malaysia) to the radio (made in India) he got in his car (made in Germany) filled it with gas (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying American job.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (made in Taiwan), John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France) and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

And now he is hoping he can get help from president made in Kenya.

--

Good Laugh: Is my time up?

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Is my time up?

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

Whilst on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her final operation, she was released from the hospital.

Whilst crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years to live. Why didn't you pull me from the path of that ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied: "I didn't recognize you!"

--

Divorced Barbie

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Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19..95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

--

What do you think???

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What do you think???

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

Anything she touched would melt.


Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.


THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly.


The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.



:-[

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.



Question: What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)



V





V




V





M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

--

Punctuation is powerful

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An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful.

--

Why I fired my Secretary...

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Last week was my birthday
And I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone
' Happy Birthday.'


I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids....
They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
And didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.'


I said, 'Thanks, Jane,that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'


We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'


I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'


After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'


'Ok.' I nervously replied.




She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
By my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And I just sat there...




On the couch...






Naked.



--

Pretty Cute...

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--

Just to Lighten Up Our Day...

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Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Practice safe eating—always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding—a case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away).
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A lot of money is tainted—taint yours and taint mine.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

--

An Arab student's e-mail to his dad

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An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son
Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Twenty millions US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.

Go and get yourself a train, too.

Love
your Dad

Less...

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Welcome to the 21st Century

Our communication	-	Wireless
Our phones	-	Cordless
Our cooking	-	Fireless
Our food	-	Fatless
Our Sweets	-	Sugarless
Our labor	-	Effortless
Our relations	-	Fruitless
Our attitude	-	Careless
Our feelings	-	Heartless
Our politics	-	Shameless
Our education	-	Worthless
Our Mistakes	-	Countless
Our arguments	-	Baseless
Our youth	-	Jobless
Our Ladies	-	Topless
Our Boss	-	Brainless
Our Jobs	-	Thankless
Our Needs	-	Endless
Our situation	-	Hopeless
Our Salaries	-	Less and less

An UN joke

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Last month the UN conducted a world-wide survey by phone.

The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

--

LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY

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This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires..' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

--

Bottle of Wine

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Bottle of Wine
(Women will LOVE this one!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.


--

AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

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AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED , have a nice day.

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

***************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....

**************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started.....

*************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And that's how the fight got started..... .

*************************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight got started.....

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